Day 30

“Lead each day with a grateful heart…” -Unknown

..That quote has so much more meaning for me today..that’s why I had to open up with it..for if you don’t lead each day with a grateful heart when you reach your lowest you wont be able to decipher what’s real and what’s’ll begin to believe every negative thing others and you say about yourself..let me bring some context see the heading..Day 30..and contrary to what you may think that’s not the amount of days I’ve been clean from some type of substance or gambling…30 days ago was the day where I had to make the hardest decision of my life I’ve ever made..I remember it like it was yesterday..I went to the doctor for a regular physical but I already knew I wasn’t feeling like myself..hadn’t been for days…I had multiple conversations with myself trying to talk myself up enough to have courage to just be forthcoming and tell somebody that I AM JUST NOT OKAY and I am not real sure of how to fix it…So I went in there trying to hold it all together..the nurse prepped me but let me know that my usual doctor that I generally meet with wouldn’t be seeing me that day..a million thoughts went through my mind because I built rapport with my doctor..she knew what I had been going through for over a year now and I’m comfortable with her, so on the fly I literally had to get myself prepared to tell a complete absolute stranger that my work life and personal life had took a complete toll on my mental health and I didn’t know how to pull myself out of that space..the thought of that and what I had been experiencing, along with the depression and anxiety questionnaire that I was just provided and marked damn near all 5’s on made me become hysterical and the doctor walked in and could see that the information that she provided was triggering..I had to come clean and come out with the truth..

NO, I AM NOT OKAY and it has been that way for some uncomfortable as that sentence was for me to formulate I had to do it..for once in my life I had to truly honor myself and do the best thing I could do..TAKE REAL TRUE CARE OF MYSELF..

Since that day I also had to make the decision to take a timeout from work and just life as a whole which was a hard decision but an absolutely necessary one to get my head back in a space where I could slow my thoughts down and feel more like myself…I’ll chronicle more of my journey everyday and how I am making strides to never be in this space again but this post is about gratefulness..For I am grateful to be where I am today…even though the world has come to a complete stop with the CoronaVirus taking place while I was going to do a whole EatPrayLove tour to get my mind right… and because I’ve been social distancing and quarantining wayyyyyy before Tha Rona hit, I ain’t had my eyebrows done in months so I’m wolfinggg….but even with all that being said I AM STILL SO GRATEFUL and so thankful because I was at such a low place where I could barely get off of the couch most days and now I am able to write my innermost thoughts to all who want to listen…those that experience depression and anxiety and need to hear that it is going to be okay and get better..It’s funny because people tell me everyday to take it one day at a time like I am doing A.A lol..but I get it, the comparison is that we are all struggling in some kind of capacity but we can’t rush the truly have to go through the rain to get to the rainbow on the other side…