Day 63-Quarantine Day #43

“I got a BIG SAVIOR complex, so that makes ME complex and I got more issues THAN Complex…”

Yours Truly, Truly Yours

I don’t know when the first time I tried to save somebody…I probably was kinda young but what I do know is, that shit must have felt GOOD AS HELL!!!! Because since that day I been tryna save my ass’s so bad my Linesister, no lie, one day sends me this:

And it was all fun and games and laughs because I mean the shit is true that is my damn toxic trait but she didn’t know that I just ran across this one:

And when I saw it I just shuddered because NIGGA I AM LISA!!! Outchea just bandaging up these Bitch Ass Barts that are just smiling while I am giving my all to make they boo-boo feel better…I mean just doing my best stitching and surgery roun’ this hoe and I am NOT even a doctor Jesus!! MEANWHILEEE them niggas wouldn’t even do the same..I mean the thought never even crossed their minds but yet I am out here…being there and trying to show up as the best version of myself, because why? I acquired some stupid ass mantra within my life’s travels to try to leave people better than when I met them..somewhere in my life I missed something that I needed and I have been fighting like hell in my current life today to try to get it…That’s why I am very strong on two different ends of the spectrum of memory..both are things that I will never forget..I will never forget a nice gesture that was provided to me..nah but for real dead ass..if you were decent to me in like the 3rd grade, I still have that sentiment and feeling about you and that’s real…or I never forget an injustice…I never forget that feeling of being treated unfairly or being alone..that’s why I strive so hard to be those that I love ultimate support system..I always wanna be known for being there because I know how much a little bit of support can give you..that much more hope, that much more motivation, and that much more confidence about one’s ownself…

“But who’s gonna save me when I need saving? Since Take Care I been caretaking…” When Drizzy Drake said that I swear tah God I yelled “THIS NIGGA SPITTIN!!!” and over a beat that sampled Ray J’s “One Wish” nonetheless..but I felt that shitttttt..Now I can’t share the same sentiment that MY GREATEST ALBUM (Yes, Take Care is Drake’s greatest album, but another day) afforded me to take care of people for numerous years but HAVE I been tryna save and actually take care of people since before that album came out and beyond..Um YESSSS…yes I have..and do I frequently wonder if all the good that I do for others, if I needed the same type of saving and care…would I have it? This question plagues me so much it often keeps me up at night and drives me to the point where I am always finding myself being there for others but I don’t know how to formulate the words to really truly ask another soul for help…that’s partially and the biggest reason why I went through such a spiral and had a depressive episode because how does the person who champions hard for others, pushes positivity, promote others to be aware of their mental health as well as always trying to be a helping hand to those in need NOT be able to do the same for herself…Why couldn’t I save myself?

Since I have had time to myself, I have been really trying to work through what happened in my childhood that made me want to try to save other’s so badly to the point where I am just depleted, and it’s especially bad with partners that I have had in my life..I had to get really low to get at a place to realize that I do have those in my life that are there for me no matter what..and I thank God that while I was operating at my highest self I was able to be there for them as well…it gives me warm feelings to know I have done some good in the world by hitting my mark of being there when someone truly needed me and they thought/think enough of me to do the same..There has been strong foundations of unconditional love and trust and bonds that took years to form and I am glad that I have been afforded these type of connections…Then there are also those who took energy that was provided for granted..all I can do is pray for those people but that is no longer my concern..for I remind myself often that we should be giving with out intention anyway and I hope one day they can appreciate all that was given to them but for now, moving forward, I have got to have my boundaries built so high that they may not be able to climb that wall…sometimes you just have to energetically cut those off who can’t meet you where you are…not because you love them any less but because YOU LOVE YOURSELF that much more and sometimes IT IS about honoring and pouring into yourself so that you will never be running on empty again…that is truly MY advocate for myself and never be taken advantage of again..

So since I have been in this space, I have been intentional about trying to soothe and revisit my inner child to see if this complex was a trait that I picked up and if so, what are my triggers? And if I happen to decipher that there are no triggers at all, just the way I am wired, how can I build and set the proper boundaries? I must say that catering to my inner child has been the most fun I have had in awhile..While on quarantine, I’ve purchased a bike to stay active and I just rode and rode and rode around and that shit just made me feel like a kid again and I even randomly had a PB& J sandwich and that shit reminded me of my childhood too..reminded me of a simpler time..a more freeing time when life was just easy…and it gave me a sense of security and safety…Everyday I am still trying to figure out what may have taken place in my childhood that I acquired such a complex but I am really enjoying the ride while doing so….the poem that Antoine Fisher recites in the self titled movie often comes to mind while I’m reflecting, but the end of the poem sticks out to me the most..he says:

“Who will cry for the little boy, that cries inside of me?”

WHEW THAT NIGGA WAS SPITTIN TOO!!! That part of the poem just fucks with me so much…not because my eyes be sweatin like a muthafucka when he recites that shit but because ALOT of us have that little version of ourselves just hurting inside because nobody took the time to try to really build us up or try to understand what we may have been experiencing emotionally because either they held the notion that we were kids and we were resilient and we would get over it or people just really didn’t know how to provide us with that kind of foundation we needed because they didn’t have the tools now we are working overtime and trying our best to appease that young version of ourselves and heal so that we can be better for those that we love and our kids that we have or will have. We have to uplift each other and let one another see that we recognize the work we are collectively doing and that we are proud of each other because IT IS PAYING OFF!! Know that though it’s slow progress with twist and turns and uncertainties at every corner, it is STILL PROGRESS…I am looking at YOU ALL and rooting for you while working on being less of a Russell Resthaven (word to Project Patahhh and my girl @ChadeMadison) I am really tryna stop saving these HOESSSS!!! Just kidding….Just serious haha…

I once pondered on who was going to save me but now I see that ALL that I need is inside of me….I SAVE ME!!